Cannibals Discovered on North Side
Chicago police confirmed late Tuesday evening that they have discovered a gruesome cadre of cannibalism on the city’s North Side. Chicago Police Superintendent, Garry F. McCarthy was visibly shaken as he delivered the following prepared statement:
At approximately 6:30PM Tuesday evening, while on dinner break, officers Charles Murphy and Ian McFadden arrested Charles “Chubby” Wiener of the 4600 Block of North Western Avenue for anthropomorphic cannabalism. It appears that Mr. Wiener has been skewering the young and openly eating them at his North Side establishment for a little over six years. Tactical units immediately descended on the location where they discovered hundreds of corpses hidden in Mr. Wiener’s freezers. I am sickened beyond words at Mr. Wiener’s blatant disregard for life. The man had a wacky logo for god’s sake.