Q: How do I really know that what I’m getting is actually from a Chicago pothole?
A: You’re getting a Certificate Of Authenticity printed on fancy paper.
Q: So, that doesn’t prove anything.
A: Yes it does. It’s even embossed with our official seal. If you’re still skeptical, feel free to have it tested at the United States Geological Survey. It’ll only cost you about ten grand.
Q: Do you have the authority to sell something that technically is owned by the City of Chicago?
A: Have you ever seen The Producers? We recommend the original with Gene Wilder and Zero Mostel.
Q: What does 100% Authentic Chicago Pothole Product mean? Sounds kinda fishy.
A: Think Cheese Food.
Q: What happens if I name a pothole for a loved one and it gets filled?
A: Potholes, like stars, don’t last forever. But know that unlike stars that turn into black holes, even if your pothole is filled in, it’s still there under the asphalt. Real potholes don’t die, or even fade away. They keep coming back, kind of like “The Rolling Stones”.
Q: Why is a fragment from the Gold Coast almost seven times more expensive than a fragment from Rockford?
A: Have you ever been to Rockford?
Q: Does Rahm Emanuel know about this?
A: Hope not. However, we almost sold Daley sponsorship rights for a hundred years.
Q: I bought a Pothole Scented Air Freshener and it just smells like cardboard. What gives?
A: Smell the little string it came with. We often use wintergreen dental floss. Happy?
Q: So, in essence you’re selling bullshit. You don’t have the authority to sell naming rights, your so called, “Certificate of Authenticity” is bogus and there is no telling where the contents of your products are coming from.
A: Wow, when you say it like that it does sound like a ripoff. BTW, that wasn’t a question.