New Cubs Mascot Hospitalized For Depression


Clark, the Chicago Cubs mascot was admitted to The University of Chicago Mental Health Facility late Tuesday evening for symptoms relating to depression. While Chicago Cubs management and the University of Chicago Hospital refused comment, long time family friend Ribbie spoke through his four and a half foot mutated trunk on behalf of Clark, the newly acquired team mascot:

The first four weeks have been pretty rough on Clark. They [The Cubs] have put him through an intensive training program which has been devoted to the history of the team. I’m not sure Clark understood what he was getting into. This past Sunday, he called me and described the training videos as atrocity films. Remember, Clark had a pretty sheltered childhood, growing up as a Cardinal fan while living in The Lake of the Ozarks. He’s never seen anything like this.

th-17Roobarb, Ribbie’s longtime partner tried to comment but couldn’t, largely because he doesn’t have a mouth